In Passing

How can I believe, when this cloud hangs over me?

I've been listening to the same song for about 24 hours now. Why is that? Breaking Benjamin's Forget It. I downloaded it, I fell asleep to it, I woke up to it, I showered with it playing, I walked to class to it, I ignored class and listened to it, and now I'm sitting here... It probably has played over 1000 times but how is it I'm not sick of it.

I think it gives me condolence, an unconfirmed notion that somewhere, someone understands me. I've yet to meet that person, but whoever you are, wherever you may be, know that I love you. I don't know you, but I feel for you.

And as the clouds hang above us and the rain begins to pour, I feel a breeze against the back of my neck, sending chills...

A member of our beloved family died. I knew him only a couple hours and I loved him. Sometimes I wonder why people come into our lives if they don't stay, if they don't remain with us... it's a bleak look, I know. And why is it when I give advice, or give my two-cents, it's an optimistic view, yet I am strictly pessimistic?

This is my weakness... I'm too emotional. I feel too much for other people, I care to much for others and I love what I am not meant to. The girl passing me in crutches... I feel for her. The group of students to my right... i feel their anxiety. I care too much, but why should I if life ends for everyone in the same manner?

We're born. We learn to walk, talk, stand, sit. We laugh. We cry. We Wake. We sleep. We love. We lose. We remember. We forget. And we die.

Do you notice a cycle?

And for you, I wish you happiness. I wish you eternal peace of mind, endless bliss and for your path to be remembered by everyone you reached out to. Rest in peace.

----

We are meant to lose the people we love. How else are we supposed to know how important they are?

On Excitement

It's exhilarating.

A rush of emotion, a swell of ideas, a surge of adrenaline...

and the only valid acceptable reason for insomnia.

and its enough to wake you up in the middle of the night jotting down notes, making quick sketches, and your mind takes over and for minutes at a time you lose control as you let your mind wander on paper...

like a visual stream of consciousness.

like a dream, except we're awake and can remember every image.

like a state of mind.

like meditation.

i live for this and nothing else.

On Discovery

I made a discovery, bittersweet, but a discovery nonetheless...

About two things I am certain

1. Happiness is security of character

2. I lack security of character...

I'm the kind of person who you can easily manipulate, push in your direction, ease your mind, make your day, listen to your thoughts, and push aside. Yes, I will mull over my own interests to please yours, but if I've done so in the past 19 years, why am I not pleased with who I am?

When asked the question, "who are you?" I honestly have no answer. I can say things about me, things I like and things I dislike, but who am I? I don't really know. Sure, other close friends know, but what matters is what I think. If I can't trust others, If I'm always doubting, second-guessing, finding the loophole, I think it's a sure sign that I lack a respect and confidence in myself and my own abilities. I need to see these for myself. Honestly, that means more than anything.

Every week I spend the nights listening to people, and when people ask me what I think... i have no answer. Every night I stay up until 4 or 5, listening to people, and when it comes for me to fix my own problems, I don't even know how to listen to myself or what I really want. I need to figure these out for myself.

Maybe the reason I'm insecure is because I don't see these things. Fact of the matter is, I don't. It's that simple. Once I see it in myself, the insecurity will fade, and others will respect me more. I'm tired of being used, I'm tired of playing the puppet, I'm tired of being conned and tricked and picked on, I'm sick of that.

I need to know who I am. And i think that's what my purpose is. Sure, i can make you happy, or maybe I can't, maybe I just listen to what you say... but maybe it's time to turn the gears and make myself happy. So far, my happiness depends on others, so far my happiness is fueled by those around me, which to be honest, is rather weak. I need to stand up for myself. I need to find a happiness that I can find deep within myself so nothing, no one can bring me down.

The truth is... I'm tired of depending on others. I'm tired of always reaching out, or always waiting to be reached for. If I can't reach myself... how can you?

Goodnight.

Ah Moment

I would like to take these last couple minutes of my day,

just ten minutes if you will.

To remember exactly why I'm feeling happy.

To remember why I'm at peace.

To remember where I am.

To savor these last couple minutes to a beautiful day.

I am so incredibly happy right now.

No, it's not because of the new shoes I got two weeks ago, or the tax refund I received the other week, or the bill I paid, or even a quick word from the hot guy in class...

It hit me today what happiness was.

Happiness is mutual, a relationship with someone who you know you can't live without, who completes your everyday, and who texts you just to let you know they're thinking about you. Happiness is that vulnerability of giving your heart to someone and knowing that they too are sacrificing theirs for you. Happiness is willingly giving your soul, your efforts, yourself for someone, knowing they will take it, hold it close, and keep it.

Yeah sure, life is hard at times, and things happen, but what really matters is who are you in spite of it, and who is still there with you at the end of the day.

And it takes effort, it takes things like sacrifice, hurt, betrayal to prove who really matters. When they're knocking on your door, knowing how you hurt them, and they still want you as a part of their life, suddenly nothing else matters.

Nothing.

No one else's opinion matters, and you know you've made an impact in some one's life, and how they depend on you, they trust you, they love you.

and for the final ten minutes before you go to sleep, you can't help but think how much they mean to you, and how much you love them.

Goodnight.

On Harmony

I used to play piano religiously. I used to play everyday and now it's sad that I don't have enough time to contribute to the things I love to do. I miss things. I miss the peace-ful hum of silence on a sunny spring morning... or the sound of raindrops hitting the ceiling and sliding down the window... I miss childhood.

It's amazing what Henry Mancini does to me. That stream of conscious that takes flight in

the early hours come through the tune of "A Time for us."

I used to play that.

And when the house was quiet, and all you could hear was the quiet tones on the piano. I love it especially when it rains. I feel at peace then. And I escape the haste and chaos of everyday life. With the priorities of work, with the haste of time, with the need to meet deadlines... time slips us by. I hate wasting the time.

This though, this is not time wasted. I'm at peace when I talk to you.

Wow, I'm getting chills.

Let me paint a picture for you. This is my heaven. You know that novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven or even Tuesdays With

Morrie (my favorite) by Mitch Albom... he describes everyone as having their own heaven. A certain place, or time when everything was perfect, and everything was at peace.

The calm after the storm.

The smell right before the rain as daylight tints the blue sky with pink.

The sweet dew on the spring grass.

Background Music

My heaven is set in a clearing. Located half an hour from the rush of the city, the surrounding lights add an eerie enchanting glow to the setting. The grass I can still feel against my bare sole, the smell of the ocean combined with the

breeze sending a chill from my hairline to the tips of my toes... To the left, the skyline...

You can hear the soft rumble of cars and the rhythm of the urban scene, but it's only a hum, only a soft rhythm that beats in time with your breath.

To the right... the rippling ocean. No waves, just ripples. And the lights from the city lose their fluorescence and leave their shadow of a pure hue, soft and smooth against the dark blue of the ocean. Just above it all... the overlooking Darling Harbour and the White tips just above the trees. Maybe if you listen close enough, you can hear the sound of a single streamline high soprano.

Do you see it?

This is my heaven.

This is my refuge.

This is my place.

This is my time.

This is my love.

This is my dream.

This is my reality.

This is me.

Do you see it?

Artist Statement

Now I know I don't like to think of myself as an artist, but as a designer... but artists have this connection with life that I'd like to possess. In my design class, we've been researching various artists, designers and photographers...

Uta Barth

Doh-ho Suh

Collier Schorr

Michael Ray Charles

Now a great photographer, Henri Cartier Bresson titled that climactic second, when everything falls into place in just the right time... "the moment."

So often, we forget to take the moment for what it is. And only after it has passed do we really see the moment for what it is. I think that's what regret truly is... forgetting to take the opportunity. Forgetting to cherish what was there, so that when the inevitable end comes, the happiness has slipped, and we're left with memories we never fully enjoyed.

Photography has taught me several things.

1. Art is the mastery of three things...

-emotion

-creativity

-Mechanics

and without mechanics, you cannot truly convey the correct message. I'm using a camera more complicated than my brain, and my mind is pretty damn complicated.

2. There is a fine line between photography and fine arts. In art, masterpieces are created. Sort of a delusion, a utopia people create that visually creates images of equilibrium and bliss. Things we cannot understand or achieve, we 'create' and 'imagine.' Photography is the opposite... photography is realistic. Rather than being made, photos are 'taken' as described by Szarkowski. As we capture reality, we take a second glance at the surrounding, and take in the beauty of what is real, what exists, what is in front of our eyes.

In this sense, photography has taught me to see things as they are, and not as they should be. Why worry about how things are meant to be? Or how things should be so... there is no use in deluding ourselves in make-believe. There is beauty around, if only you look around.

And thus, Bresson captures what is called 'the moment' when everything falls in harmony in just the right stitch of time... capturing little pieces of perfection... that's what is truly happiness... the little things we forget to remember.

I think I found my stride... my purpose if you will. Each designer, each artist ties their work with a universal message.

Here is mine...

Reflections. In reflections we remember the moments, the little moments that are enough to erase the horrifying terrors of past nightmares...

You see park-benches in my work, you see tears, you see the passing of time...

this is my ode:

As I often forget to take in what is in front of me, as I worry about intangible, unimportant aspects, there is so much to enjoy that may pass in the blink of an eye. There is a moment everyday, and I need to learn that. With that in mind, I use my work to capture these little things so that I may learn and explore what is meant by the two words described by Henri Cartier Bresson...

"The Moment."

Peace.

On Apples

For some odd reason, I can't seem to verbalize, or speak as much. For some odd reason, I'm keeping everything inside.

Why?

I have absolutely no idea.

I came across this today on my tumblr...

"Sometimes... you just feel everything and nothing all at once. Sometimes you'll find yourself smiling while missing something at the same time. At times you can absolutely love a person, all the while wanting to hate them. Life comes without guarantees; except that smiling will brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes, and falling in love will change your life."

1. I feel so overwhelmed. There's so much I need to keep tabs on. Homework due on certain dates, dilemmas other people are having, and people I need to call. And while I remain calm on the outside, I'm freaking out just a little. This is all evidenced by my meaningless chit-chat, and a hyped-up temper. I don't even know how to effectively deal other than keeping it withheld.

2. All at the same time, I am feeling this weird serenity. For once, I feel like I am who I am. I don't talk a lot, I am misunderstood, I speak through art, I live through design, and I love infinitely. Why would I then try to impress someone, if that means putting on a mask and being someone else. I am who I am. And I'm okay with that.

3. Falling in love will change your life. I love what I do, and I love who I am. Sure, things get tough, but if life were always perfect, where would the fun be? Find passion. It may be for something, or it may be for someone. I have an infinite passion for design, I can't even begin to describe. I tried once, and that turned into a novel.

I am imperfect.

I value imperfection.

Perfection is idiotic. We're human and we have our flaws. It's what makes us and it's what breaks us.

1. I'm insecure.

2. I'm manipulative.

3. I'm secretive.

4. I'm jealous.

5. I'm delusional.

6. I'm possessive.

7. I'm passionate.

8. I'm obsessive.

9. I'm emotional.

10. I'm impulsive.

11. I'm hypocritical.

12. I'm paranoid.

13. I'm superstitious.

How do you like them apples?

But here's also something about me...

For those I love and cherish, I am willing to undergo any pain, any suffering for you. In the end of a long day, it's your happiness I wish and your peace that I pray for. It's you I live for.

All my love,

Katrina

p.s. Happy Birthday Emily.

wow

I don't even know what to say.

Have you ever had that moment where something profound hits you square in the face, and every thought, every emotion, every feeling vanishes in the blink of an eye. And for a brief moment, you are caught off guard, you can't breathe, you can't talk and you can't even think.

I've only had one other moment like this, and it lasted fifteen minutes. At a retreat for my church, we took part in a meditation process. In small groups, we travelled to separate stations where we would read, pray and meditate basically. One step had an effect on me. The panel instructed us to obtain a pebble, and hold it firmly in your hand. With it pressed tightly against your palm, remember every grudge you held, every judgement you gave, every word you said, every claim made against you... and as you look back, rub the stone, press it tightly in your hand and remember every single moment as far as your mind may wander.

Then take the stone in your hand, and place it in the bath of water.

It's amazing what happened. I can't describe it. The feeling of a perilous weight lifted gently off our shoulders and nothing left. No grudge, no regret, no hate. Nothing. Total peace.

I took a stroll in the rain today. I suggest the same for you.

Goodnight.

In Passing

It is absolutely amazing.

No, not amazing, wonderful.

No, not wonderful... spectacular.

During the past week, several events have occurred... all of which have left the same footprint in my thoughts...

"What endures?"

And as I sit, entirely perplexed about the course of events, I can't help but wonder, do we really have choice as humans? I let time pass, I let phone calls go, I leave texts unanswered, and as the seconds go by, some things still remain.

And those are what endure. Those little things are what stand the test of time. And after seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, years... some relationships do not change.

Take for example my weekend:

I was caught by surprise when my mother called about an old friend visiting.

Here's why this is so big...

I was born and raised in Sydney Australia. There was a group of us, me, Monica, Raffy, Nicol, Monique, Louis... we were all very close, as was our family. Monica and I took tap, ballet and jazz together, and when news reached me that we were moving to Ohio, nothing was more devastating. We packed up our things, and spent some time in Manila, and then in California. I was in third grade when we moved to Ohio. Of all places. So life goes on, people get older, things happen... and then I get a call, announcing the arrival of my old best friend...

At first, I'll admit I was afraid. It had been years... what would we have in common? Have we grown separate ways? Have we lost our friendship?

And in the course of two days, I've realized something that has never really hit me until now:

The best of friendships can last anything.

I'll honestly admit to you... I do not have anyone that is as remotely close to me, as my friend from Australia. It's strange how you grow up and change, and yet your relationship doesn't. It's strange how we're exactly alike and we just... click. It makes sense. My friend, who I grew up with and haven't seen for ten years... is definitely one of my closest.

And when your friend comes knocking at your door, do you turn them away?

On Plans

The weather was beautiful today. I agree with the warm weather, only with the hopes of a thunderstorm. Those are fun =)

When I was little, and by little i mean until high school, I would see the clouds get heavy, and gradually darken, and my heart was directly correlated with the weather. And as the sky darkened, and the rumble of clouds began, my heart would only beat louder.

Then came the fear. The fear of losing everything. Of losing my family, my friends, my belongings. From the paranoia, I would gather my best clothing (...) a few pillows, a glass of water, and a stuffed animal. (Don't ask me what animal, I don't know. It was yellow, and it might have been a possum or mouse or something, but it resembled no living thing).

To think that everything in a matter of seconds could be taken from you... that terrifies me. Yes, I fear spiders, clumps of ants, the darkness, wasps, blood and death. But of anything in the world, I fear pain. Physical, emotional... any type of pain I fear. And to have anything I love, I cherish taken without warning, I wouldn't know what to do.

Answer: Be spontaneous.

So today I had lunch with an old friend. I met her in middle school, and she knows me better than I know myself. We met in 7th grade, and we bonded over two things: Daniel Radcliffe, Aaron Carter. It's ridiculous, but it does bring a smirk to my face to think about it.

Anyways, as we were walking, we basically collided as we attempted to cross the street. She decided to go to the right, so I followed her verbal decision, but then she decides to cross left at the last second. Teasing her, I commented that she's spontaneous and a little on the wild side. Then she continued to describe how she used to plan things, but now, she just goes with the flow.

She continued her case, her argument being two-fold...

1. Trust in an alternate force, be it God, fate or whatever you choose, there's a trust in how things are meant to occur.

2. In making plans, we depend on others, and at times, they do not follow through, therefore ruining plans for the day. By choosing to live spontaneously, there is no room for disappointment when things do not occur as planned.

Answer: Be spontaneous.

Here are some quotes: (One moment while I pull out my nerdy book...)

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

-T. S. Eliot

"I am an idealist. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way."

-Carl Sandberg

"I am prepared to go anywhere, provided it be forward."

-David Livingstone

"You need not do anything. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, just wait. You need not even wait, just learn to be quiet, still and solitary. And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked. It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."

-Franz Kafka

"Time can be a greedy thing- sometimes it steals all the details for itself."

-The Kite Runner

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

-Steve Jobs

"Never regret. If it's good, its wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience."

-Victoria Holt

Common Theme: Be spontaneous.

Yes, it is scary, and I get butterflies in my stomach, but decisions made with the heart, never leads to regret. I promise you that. I do not regret anything in my life, and I rule with my heart.

I'm Katrina Valera

I collect quotes.

I'm a Harry Potter nerd.

I fear pain and loss.

I live for the moment.

Who are you?