I don't know. It feels an awful lot like this,
but how do you know when "this" is rock bottom?
how do you know if you're going to fall further?
So I have an awful lot of thinking to do.
If you know anything about me, if you've read anything I've written,
you'd gather a few things:
1. I'm a female
2. I like design
Now imagine yourself walking in a grocery store,
Kroger, Marc's, Giant Eagle, Big Bear, Roger's, Aldees... whatever fits you...
and you find yourself in... the deodorant aisle.
(It was the one product both males and females use and would know)
You want to try something new, perhaps a different scent, perhaps a different brand,
but you narrow your choice to the Fresh Scent.
In one hand, you've got store brand. Shitty packaging, but most definitely cheaper.
But on the other hand, you've got the Opalescent White Dover container.
Both smell exactly the same,
both have relatively the same amount of product,
but one is cheaper,
and the other looks more... legit.
So naturally, you go with the second one,
why?
Because it looks prettier.
That's what I want to do.
I want to get in your mind,
convince you, but the packaging, to buy the more expensive one,
to purchase the one that's more legit.
Now, I have two routes,
stick with Design,
or go into Marketing.
With Design,
I'm one of 18
I'm doing crafts for homework
I'm elite
I'm going the creative way
I can graduate after these 3 more years (yes, 1 year was added because I was stupid)
After getting a Bachelor's Degree, I can get a decent job
I just have to continue along the path I'm on
BUT...
Every grade is subjective...
All my effort is necessary
I work later at night
Nothing is ever complete, and there is always, ALWAYS, something that needs fixing,
It's only a bachelor's degree
My career choice is limited
My stress levels dramatically and dangerously increase
My emotions are subject to the opinions of others
Creative output is ALWAYS necessary
You must stay in the scene or you're out cold
Over the past quarter, I have witnessed the dramatic change in stress, in my mood, in my performance, and in my thoughts.
For the longest time, I struggled,
as the projects piled on, the stress increased,
but I had no way of letting out the steam,
of taking time to relax,
of releasing my energy.
And over the course of months, everything built up.
I used to spend my free time doing creative things,
drawing, creating, ideating, coloring, cutting...
and now that these are the cause of my stress,
how do I release? How do I let it go?
How can anything else make me as happy?
Here's the truth that I'm struggling to face:
I'm not enjoying this.
Should I give up my balance, my happiness, my time, my energy, my health, my logic for design?
Do I love it that much?
If it causes me to think crazy thoughts,
to do crazy things,
to lose my sanity,
is it worth it?
How do you know when something you love is good for you?
How do you learn to love something that's good for you?
How do you know what's good for you?
