Green with Envy

Envy is a dangerous thing.

For the past few years, I would envy the Size 0 girl with the tiny waist.  Pinterest is the worst when it comes to keeping away from the perfectly toned women.  But a question continued to probe my mind:

Do you have to be a Size 0 to feel confident?

My first few years of college, I was a Size 0.  I worked at A&F, I had a wonderful boyfriend, yet my constant criticism of my body shape never disappeared.  Mind you, I was size 0.  You find there is always something to critique about yourself, and at the time, I focused on my calves.

I reached my peak after my 21st birthday, going up 4 sizes in a matter of one year.  I didn't notice the weight until someone told me I looked healthier.

Fast forward to early this year, I had gone up 8 sizes from my Size 0.  Once again, I didn't notice until my mother asked me if I was pregnant.  We were purchasing pant suits for a conference, and I had a hard time fitting into an 8P.  Had I really reached size 10?

That question alone lead to a constant paranoia of my body shape, constant criticism of how my body shape could be better, how my calves could be slimmer, my stomach be tighter, my arms be more toned, and the thoughts didn't stop.  Even when my boyfriend called me beautiful, I would hide my body, believing that the compliment was not genuine.

Exercise was one thing I could not do.  When probed, "Well, why don't you exercise?"  I would respond, "I don't have time to exercise, I am way too busy."

Today, on September 3, I can happily say that I feel great about myself.  Size 6, but I feel better about my body than I ever have.

The secret, yes, working out helps, yes, drinking water helps, yes, eating clean and healthy helps, but when it comes down to confidence, that comes from motivation.  Motivation has driven me through the muscle cramps and the sweaty forehead, through that burning in my glutes and hamstrings.  My motivation is not to reach a Size 0, but to feel healthy about my body.  Eating well and devoting a few minutes every day to exercise gives my body energy and endorphines, and I feel great, I feel beautiful.

At Size 0, I was self-conscious.  At Size 6, I will beautiful.